what type of skier are you?
BigLife Magazine - Winter 14/15
words by Sheridan Brett • illustrations by Molly Snee
I am the snot-faced ninja (coo-coo-cachoo!). It’s not pretty, but I admit it: I always wear a ski mask. Why? My nose and cheeks are always cold. The mask helps with that, but it creates another, not so pleasant problem—mucus. After that, the problems just multiply: my pockets are always overflowing with tissues and my goggles are always gathering a slight fog. I have taken to carrying a handkerchief and rubbing my face with balm to ward off the inevitable chafing. I know. Sexy. But I am also a ninja. So… there’s that. If you’re not a snot-faced ninja, maybe you fall within one of the following categories—not that you’d necessarily know it!
1) The One-Upper
How to Spot: Close your eyes, you need to listen for this one. Her voice tends to gradually elevate as she gets rolling. And the dead giveaway, “No, but this one time…”. We all like to be storytellers from time to time. Right? Remember when you threw yourself off a cliff at Jackson Hole but lived to tell about it? The one-upper thinks your story, is,well, boring. Just a Monday. So you have a first descent under your belt? Well, she hucked a 40’ cliff and landed on a bear, rode said bear to the bottom of the mountain, and then wrestled him. That bear is now a footstool in the secluded cabin she calls home. Trust me, she has seen and done some crazy s**t, and is overjoyed to tell you a handful of tall tales if you are “lucky” enough to be stuck on a chairlift next to her.
Do: Grab a beer with her at the end of the day—alcohol makes the tall tales go down easier.
Don’t: Question the validity of the details. Regardless of whether these experiences happened 100%, this gal can back up the talk. I mean, she seriously rips.
Prized Possession: Steel trap memory.
Biggest Fear: Lack of an audience.
2) The Winner
How to Spot: This skier’s ensemble is just a flash away from spandex. You don’t know who this person is, but he is definitely winning. Everything he wears is aerodynamic. His skis—Fischer racers— are tuned religiously and to perfection. His movements are odd but endearing—GS turns all the way down the mountain. The winner sees race gates instead of your little 8-year-old Ashley standing there warming her hands, unaware that she’s in the middle of a World Cup race course. He swoops around flags where there are none and punches out his elbows in anticipation of a hit. Did you think this was a casual run with the family? Wrong. You are losing the race, and this slalom bullet is kicking your ass down the hill.
Do: Compliment your speedy friend’s helmet; it was expensive.
Don’t: Get in his way. Beware, a racer stops for no man.
Prized Possession: His favorite ski tuning technician.
Biggest Fear: To have a fashionable ski bunny tuck beside him and pull ahead. The Winner has not seen Pretty Faces and is not clued into the fact that skier girls kick ass.
3) The Ankle Grinder
How to Spot: High-end ensembles that might be a little dated, sunglasses, and the curious absence of a hat or helmet. Even if he has made the jump to shaped skis, he still likes to ski them a little long and glued side-by-side. The Baryshnikov of the ski hill, he initiates turns by swaying the hips, rotating the ankles, and gracefully extending the arms. High brow in taste, but always down for a good time—the ankle grinder might just suprise you with a humble mention of his cameo in a Warren Miller film, circa 1983. Also known as: noodlers, hot doggers, or your dad.
Do: Ask him about the ‘old days’ without making him feel old.
Don’t: Talk about technology. He won’t get it.
Prized Possession: His dance moves. Major boogie skills.
Biggest Fear: Feeling old.
4) The Ageless Hottie or peter pan
How to Spot: Her: White t-shirt, tight ski pants, amazing skin, and turquoise jewelry. Him: Shaggy but effortlessly stylish hair, white t-shirt, tan face, and lots of laugh lines. She backcountries when she isn’t tending bar or chairing a Fortune 500 company’s board meeting. She could be anywhere between the ages of 18 and 50. She’s a force of nature whether it’s going shot for shot at the bar or face shot to face shot on a powder day. He never grew up and never had to. Trust fund? Check. Penchant for adventure? Check. Boyish sense of humor? If you say so. At first the Peter Pan is fun to be with. But then you eventually have to go to work and he never does.
Do: Duh. Have a drink or many with either of them. They are bound to have good stories and are always up for a good time.
Don’t: Try to keep up with them at the bar. They train for this all the time, and you will have your ass handed to you.
Prized Possession: She values her health above all else. He values his hair.
Biggest Fear: Sorority girls. Why? She can’t tolerate the giggling. He fears going to jail.
5) The Norwester
How to Spot: Bomber-proof Gore- Tex® with the faint smell of a moldy Rubbermaid storage container, regardless of the fact that it’s a bluebird day. Backpack, fully loaded. The Boy Scout of the hill who hails from Washington or Oregon, the Norwester knows that it all comes down to being prepared. His backpack will be filled with the essentials: 1. Duct tape (which, according to him, can fix just about anything), 2. Trash bags (because even he hasn’t figured out how to make a rainproof cover with duct tape), 3. Pieps avalance beacon, pole, and shovel because he’s always willing to go off piste, and 4. Snacks.
Do: Consider a condo trade with him, especially if he is from Seattle or Portland. City weekend for you, ski weekend for him.
Don’t: Defend the coffee here. The coffee he drinks is better and it really becomes a philosophical debate about free-trade that doesn’t belong on resort property.
Prized Possession: Duct tape, obviously. Or maybe a compass or knife that has been passed down through generations of well-prepared Norwesters.
Biggest Fear: That Gore-Tex® is somehow discontinued, or his favorite throw-back Patagonia half-zip fleece sells out.
